M

I feel like the alcoholic
desperate to find the way to love you.
when the pleading and pleasing doesn’t breach your walls anymore
when the crying and wailing no longer causes pity
and all of my words seem insignificant ridicule
I feel like a bastard next to you
with a half assed recognition only because I seem like a rock in your shoe
with no hopes to gain any equality, much less respect from you.
I feel like the enemy you conquered.
Completely demolished with diminished morality
Swept on the floor through your angry remarks
only to serve as an amusement
I feel like a fish without water
since they swim all alone with no longing to live
their stale stare that of a broken heart
maybe thats why you like them so much.

Decisions

I decided to change the direction of my blog. Maybe that will give me more of an incentive to actually write all time. I barely write on the internet since I am afraid of privacy issues and I also enjoy the written word. But in the future Id like to write a book about my uneventful life. Knowing that someone out there will read, maybe. It is a fairy tale indeed and right now, I have been taken away from Neverland and slammed into a place called reality. But I see them hiding everywhere. The gnomes and the small magical creature lurk around me. I am not alone. Lonely is a definite, but I am not alone. I refuse to believe that this every day routine is what we called life. Never questioning our sources or going beyond what we know and asking why. Speculating why things are the way they are and trying to find a solution to make it better. I wonder. Most of all, I am purely confident that a true love story is waiting for me to happen. I am in the middle of one and I am enjoying it. The anticipation of what will happen tomorrow, meaning possibly more that a few months from now. It eats away at my hope but renews itself in some kind of excitement. I begin with telling you that he is beautiful. Inside and out. I have written about him before, all my previous entries are about how he makes me feel. Its been over a year since I met him and its about to be a year since I made contact with him for the first time after we met. I hold on to those two hours spent dancing together dearly. Since nobody has ever looked into my eyes the way he has. There is an innocent quality about our relationship. We never kissed but we mutually understood the importance of our meeting. He told me ones, if he would have kissed me, our intentions would have been different. Today I am happy to say that we are really good friends. He lifts me up when I am down and although he lives in Florence and I live in Milwaukee as of now, we maintain an established relationship. I understand right now, that he is possibly involved with another beautiful girl. Something that I do not particularly care for. Since I am letting him mature into the perfect fruit. I am too involved with someone else right now. A temporary relationship that has no future but other circumstance which qualify in an adventure all on its own. I like to believe that I am particular girl of some kind. Nothing specific grabs my attention just the the imagination and the chemistry that might exist. However, my Italian, as I like to call him, he does not know, nor those any man need to know for that matter what their future lady is up too… he understands that it would be selfish of him to think that I didn’t have needs after being away from each other all this time. Don’t misunderstand the concept of having needs because to a woman, having needs can be simply about holding someone close or nurturing. SO enough. My Italian is VERY Italian. From his first name to his last. From the way he looks to the way he dresses. I find him completely and utterly delicious and sophisticated. We would look amazing together, walking down the street holding hands in old world Florence. His body is strong and proportionate. His color is just right in between perfection. Ive dreamt about getting lost in his hair and his becoming part of mine. He has no idea how good I would do him. If only he knew, but in time he will. That I am lost forever without and him and without him I am but a lonely pebble in the pond. Though I would not want him to know just yet, in time I will let him unveil my very soul. I will let his existence intertwine with mine. When we are both ready for each other, there will be an explosion of love and tenderness. To have his nose touch mine and make my body shiver. To feel like the luckiest girl int he world living the fairy tale in having her knight and shining armor. It exists. Believe I’ll show you it will.

Llenate de mi… ?

Yesterday I was soaring. Today I seem to drown. In my own fears I mellow down. Thinking that something might be different. Hoping that maybe HE will change. Knowing that reality will set in ones I give in. Yet I slowly get attached, possibly fall in love. With the wrong kind of man. The one I was not dreaming off. The one who will never change, the one who has nothing in common with me. Only the passion that has attached our emotion. Possibly the need for someone to hold. A brief love and temporary relief. Only to follow the same pain I’ve endured before. My efforts to conceal my modesty has been rudely undressed. By the one who told me that all I needed was some love and care and that is all it took to make him right. I am deeply scared. Scared to be caught up in the wrong situation, scared to be seen with him. Moments of happiness would convert to bitter disputes.

“Llénate de mí.
Ansíame, agótame, viérteme, sacrifícame.
Pídeme. Recógeme, contiéneme, ocúltame.” Neruda

Danger

my breath seems breathless.

 

In lust

Your nobody I would take a second look at. But I am temporarily in lust for you.

Maybe its the way your emotions carries, you one of those who remind me of my past. The extreme of your passions, your nonchalant ways.

That irresponsibility and the how I used to act with no consideration to others. Only a want for immediate satisfaction, a dangerous need to sneak around. I know your dirty. In every way. I can see you pushing me up against the wall. Separating my senses like an off registered print. Vibrating within the numbness of my body. Overwhelming power to make me tremble without touching me.

The wrong thing to do. The wrong way to think. The wrong person in every way. We will never be, nor would I want it to be. Perfect equation for trouble. To stain my new life and have the people know of my dark side. If only you can just take me into your darkest corner. Never speaking of it again to anyone. Show me a good time, without having it to be awkward after wards. I cannot take that chance, I have been deceived so many times before.

useless

Your one lined question angered my passion

Was it of concern or curiosity?

I’m convinced your just make believe

Having stolen my thoughts without asking for ransom

No, I am lying

Keep telling myself your not important

Yet, every word you write me sends me flying

I feel pathetic writing this rant

Losing hope

My existence is fading away in the dark

A memory that only I seem to want

Your thoughts of me are stark

And all I can do is rant

If I give up hope now

I will no longer have a reason

Spending the rest of my days with a frown

At least right now I can look at the change of seasons

Where are you what are you doing?

Do you still think of me at night?

Is it shrinking or is it growing?

Should I give up this internal fight?

So there you have it

My frustration on a plate

So eat it up and maybe you can salvage

Just make sure it is not too late

You’ve become…

When I close my eyes;

The bite on my lip becomes the taste of your kiss

When I bury my feet on the sand, you are the sun that warms my back.

My heart pounds as the waves crash and pass my ankles.

You become the breathing spirit in my bed, as I am drinking my coffee by the window

You are my hope that rises every morning… and when it rains, it is your warmth that waters my limb body.

The groves on my skin when you grab me, the deep penetrations that indulge you when you have me

My exhale becomes your inhale, in rhythmic cycles

Your fingers through my hair, your sweat on my back

The lust i have for you… Just can’t seem to live without you,

even though I do not have you.

Balance

My thoughts about life today:

Make sense of all the cliches you have always heard and try to apply them in a way that make sense to you. There is a reason why they keeping repeating the same things through out time.

Uniqueness and Innovation are only new when does who are exposed to it have not learned from the past. Everything has been taken from somewhere else. The ripple’s effect, part of the web and the collective conciseness.

Inward gravity is energy that creates the density that we experience as the physical world.

We always need someone to look up too in order to motivate us to create, imagine, dream and manifest into something bigger.

If it happened somewhere else, to someone else, then it can happen here and it can happen to you.

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

Even though he is one ocean away, I know he can still hear my thoughts.

Gravity Pulls and Pushes

In more ways than one, I have proven to myself that we are all part of the same cycle. When we kill someone, someone else, half way across the world is affected. The world is not that big, and therefore the theories we know today seem to apply to us all. If the earth quakes on one pole, the ice breaks on the other, and so forth. It is the same concept in the most basic forms of life. Even the cells in our bodies react to how much water we consume or the air that we breath on a daily basis. So, it is no coincidence that the ratio of water that exist in our bodies, is similar to the ration of water that exist on this earth. As human beings, naturally egocentric and self absorbed, always wake up in the morning thinking only of what we can do to satisfy ourselves. And better yet, how we can accomplish such things that fit within the norm of the society we have grown up in. Never the less, not thinking about others who think different and see the world in a different view.

They say that every person in a world, and a family is its own universe. But if we are so connected to each other, how is it that we cannot orbit around each other in peace, not colliding amongst us. At first, maybe we are like the “Big Bang”, a beginning of turmoil and chaos. Excreting hurtful words and arguments like toxic gas that fills the air. Only, we are already under an atmosphere, that concentrates in poison and any possible growth is diminished. Like the “Big Bang”, comets and rocks collided to make harmony and the possibility of life. The earth wouldn’t be here without having it happen. We are all different yes. We all seem to claim that we understand that we are all different. Yet somehow we cannot we not accept the fact that we are. That maybe Uranus is a little smaller than Mars. Earth was not always lush and green and habituated by people today. That maybe it will take us a little while to be who we are meant to be.

Like all families, there is dysfunction. A label society, amongst other things have been slapped on our foreheads to explain something that is not normal. NORMAL. Who ever invented that word should be brought to trial. What is normal? Simply put in todays definition; anything that you are not willing to accept and open your heart too, is not normal. Therefore for example, in some of my readers eyes, the fact that Ethiopians eat with their hands and feed each other as sign of respect, is not normal. It’s dysfunctional. So maybe, it is unheard off that gay people always existed since the beginning of time. Which is true. Always scrutinized and murdered for their primary essence or belief, like religion. In addition, it is sacrilegious to accept the fact that even some Popes and royalty engaged in the act of same sex love or orgies. God forbid, yes its true. NO, don’t have a heart attack.

Things that today, we cannot change. Regardless of what we go through and feel, it is not normal for you to hear, maybe. To me, angry people with tyrannic rules are not normal. Since to me, normality should cover tolerance, respect and love. Mutual support and the term of unconditional love. So I wonder, if I can live without a religion, just having a spiritual love for the universe that has supplied me with the molecules and cells that help build this keyboard, therefore giving me tools to be able to express myself. I can live without family, and the parents who in one act released two cells that conceived the trigger that multiplied and formed my very existence. Is it possible to give the same emotional attachment to a keyboard, being produced by the same principle? No. because it was not created with the same intention, just done with with the purpose to mass produce. So why is it easy to push away the being that contains a piece of your body, soul and blood. Easy to deny an understanding and the support when a human being needs it the most. Easy, you just learned to deny what is natural to our human existence by putting your faith and belief system in the rules of society, and labeling it as dysfunctional. Not only affecting yourself, but the harmony of the gravity that travels amongst us. So therefore it is ok to be the man who cuts down trees and build factories that help destroy our ozone layer. It is ok to turn your shoulder as you pass by a dying meth addict on the street. In essence the concept is the same since we are all connected. Every choice you make affects even the ones you have never even seen in your walk of life. Sometimes, even, years down the road. So how do you clear the toxic gas within the four walls of your home? How do you expect change to happen when you seek some kind of political reform? How can you even begin to sympathize with Yolanda the drug addict who lost her kids because of coke, when you cannot even sympathize with your gay son? When the place that you claim to be your sanctuary is frequently walked into expecting platonic earthquakes. Palpitating thunder and door slamming hurricanes.